Have you ever wondered how the Big Guy could know
if you are from the Light or Dark Side, as you grow?
At holiday time Palpatine sends me to you.
I watch and report to my Dark Jedi crew.
My Job’s an assignment from the Emperor himself.
I am his Master’s protégé
not some measly Elf on the shelf.
I got sick of that that annoying goodie-two-shoes-elf
so I came to your home to rule Christmas myself.
The first time I come to the planet you call home
you quickly will learn I will make it my own.
Don’t even think about naming me Markle or Zart.
If that sort of thing happens, you’ll get struck by a dart.
I won’t be re-named or bring you any fun.
Do you take me for a fool? I am the chosen one.
I used to go by Ankakin back in the day
But now I am Darth Vader on the Shelf and I’m not here to play.
Each night while you’re sleeping
back to Palpatine I’ll fly
high in the Death Star in the dark galaxy sky.
Of course Jedi magic helps me to be quick.
I laugh alongside my pal Bobba Fett because we just killed Saint Nick.
I tell the Emperor if you have been good or been bad.
The news of your alliance makes him happy or sad.
A push or a shove, I’ll report to the Boss,
but small acts of evilness will not be a loss.
In the spaceship, at the pod-race
Or even at Jedi School
The word will get out
That you comply with my rules.
I’ll be back at your planet you tiny little bloke.
Don’t think about conspiring against me, or your neck I will choke.
Every day in December when you awake
your knees will quiver, wobble and shake.
You won’t rise and shine to find this red-suited twerp elf
I will now be watching carefully from my throne on the shelf.
Maybe you will find me the kitchen, bathroom, or den-
but don’t forget, my subjects, I am not your new friend.
Where will you find me, let’s make it a game?
And if you get sliced by a lightsaber, you’ll know who to blame.
It will be my rules that you have to follow,
like it or not I will be back tomorrow.
Don’t think about touching me- don’t even bother.
I will not hesitate to cut you, even if you call me your Father.
Check out the second day of Vader on the Shelf here!