It’s official! The rabbit is dead and paparazzi are going to start pulling double shifts and bringing in the overtime: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Prince William and Kate are expecting their first baby! Huzzah! Currently Kate has been hospitalized with a terrible pregnancy related illness, or as the rest of us commoners call that yucky throwing up thing that happens when you are with child, “morning sickness.” I can already tell this pregnancy will be something that needs to be over scrutinized to the max and choosing a baby name will be no exception. Unfortunately for them, someone beat them to the punch and already took the name Hashtag.. so somehow they’ll have to just try to top it. It’ll be hard, I know. This is why I’m helping them out and making a list of great royal names for them to choose from. The young couple is always trying to find ways to make the Royal Family more relevant in today’s society, and they can do this by finding the perfect celebrity-style royal name for their special little bundle of joy.
Asterisk: Way better than Hashtag. Plus everything written with an Asterisk is super important.
Diandrea: Creating one super awesome name out of two completely different names is way cooler than coming up with a name that actually exists or is possible to pronounce. This concept is mainstream now that Twilight did it. Diandrea is great because- duh, Williams mom, plus me, the genius who thought of the idea. I’m sure they’ll go for it.
Avocado: Fruit names are hot and Avocado sounds so regal, doesn’t it!
Red: not to be outdone by Jay-Z and Beyoncé, who snubbed the royal couple by not performing at their wedding, (the nerve), William and Kate should name their baby a munch better color than Blue.. Plus, there’s a chance this kid can be a Ginger.. Fitting really.
RoyalBaby: No spaces. In this day and age it’s important to be social media savvy and relevant. It’s already trending on twitter, perfect.
Richard William Charles Edward Screw The Paparazzi Phillip Louis: Royal people like super long names, it would be nothing to slip and extra screw you in the middle directed towards the enemy.
The Prince: Rich people like to name their kids rich sounding stuff like Baron, but this little baby is way above all those piddley titles.. and not just a prince, but The Prince.
The British Flag: The only name better than Prince, is a symbol of course. No words, just a symbol. If we’ve learned anything at all from watching Austin Powers and listening to Spice Girls growing up and watching the Olympics all summer, is that everything that is 100% British needs to be covered from top to bottom with their flag. There’s no better way to say 100% British Royalty than to not only wear the flag, but be The Flag.