So maybe I should tread lightly here on this subject. Tiptoe through the land of opposition.
No, you know what, I’m just going to come right out and say it.
So bring the reproach. Bring in the pitchforks, or whatever the internet equivalent is. Trolls for days. But, to me, bacon is just sort of, meh.
I expressed my thoughts on the matter to my husband, and he says I’m nuts. He says he could down a pound of bacon right now just by itself. I just threw up in my mouth. A POUND OF BACON. I mean bacon is just okay, I really don‘t think it deserves that much hype. This much worship. Pounds eaten at once. There’s other things that we could be worshipping. There’s steak, there’s lobster bisque, there’s artichoke dip. Have you ever had artichoke dip? It’s amazing. I could probably make a top ten list of other things to get worked up about rather than bacon.
I’ll occasionally eat bacon as a side to eggs, a slice or two on a burger. I had a Baconator once from Wendy’s and I felt like crap for two hours. A bit over the top. Honestly I prefer my processed meats in the form of sausage. Even that’s just okay. But bacon has really been elevated to the next level. What’s up with that?
Bacon has increasingly become this magical mystical widely worshipped little fatty piece of hard crispy, um, does this even qualify as a meat product? So bacon is processed, um, meat product, from the gross parts of the pig, doused in large quantities of salt, possibly linked to heart disease, diabetes and cancer and we act like this is a delicacy beyond no other. 2012 and we are in the heart of the organic, free range, grass-fed, greenotopia, recycle everything age, and then we have bacon. It’s like the anti of all that. Except if you consider gross pig parts in a waste not want not approach, then I guess you’re being economical.
Basically Michelle Obama has had to create a whole national campaign just to combat the effect the increased bacon intake has had on our nation. There’s Bacon Odes and Bacon Memes, Bacon Vodka, bacon in every dessert imaginable, Baconnaise , bacon toothpaste. Bacon fricken toothpaste. Ok, come on, admit it right now, that’s just gross. It’s out of control.
We worship everything related to bacon. Just the mere mention of bacon sends droves of people into hypnotic trances salivating like rabid dogs, tongues askew. Bacon Bacon BACON. We even have the Bacon King, (Kevin) who is somehow magically linked to everything. You’d think that it would be someone like George Clooney, but no, it’s Kevin Fricken Bacon. He’s not even a good actor. Or good looking. Bacon goggles.
So as a nation we are downing 5,000 calorie, 200+ grams of fat milkshakes- THAT WE EAT IN ONE SITTING. Basically You’d have to run like 26.2 miles to burn off that kind of.. Food. Substance.. I challenge you to try to run the Boston Marathon if you consume a bacon milkshake even just once ever in your life. Drinking one of those probably has just taken 7 minutes off your life. But who cares, ‘cause its bacon.
So now all your bacon hogging has created this Aporkalypse or government conspiracy to end obesity or whatever, I don’t know what to make of it. And bacon prices will skyrocket and now you’ll have to pay like $50 for a bacon brownie.. you’ll have to go into an underground retail establishment and the “special brownies” will be bacon filled. Bacon is the new drug. They’re even creating baconesk things to look and taste like bacon in an effort to baconate the universe. There’s Canadian Bacon, which I reluctantly had at a buffet once, and now I know precisely why that version hasn‘t really caught on in this section of the continent. I can’t even imagine that turkey bacon is good. Then there’s tofu bacon. Stop Vegans, just stop.
Then we have the Baconian Method, which is funny because it involves logic and reason. And I should probably use it to understand bacon worship, but I just don’t think bacon is logical, so there’s the problem.
I did try bacon on a hotdog once and it was a decent pairing, but I strangely felt like a dirty little sinner afterwards. We all know hot dogs are the other processed cuisine of the devil, so to eat both at once felt doubly wrong. Maybe that’s it, it’s the thrill in knowing that you’re eating terrible terrible things, and you can, ‘cause this is America, land of the hot dog eating contests and home of the donut burgers, and birthplace of bacon toothpaste.
Ok, fine. I’ll stop with the bacon shaming. Who am I to say ten slabs of bacon is too much to eat mixed inside an ice cream sundae? Top it with a cherry, boom it’s healthy and essentially in the food pyramid. Really, it’s okay, it’ll level off when you follow up with a Slim Fast and probably not any worse than
one of those tiny little rectangle of chemicals a Pop Tart for breakfast.